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On to the Next

I never intended this house to be our "forever house." I never even really intended to have a "forever house" at all. My parents moved into our Hell's Kitchen apartment when I was two years old, and they live there still, so you'd think I'd have some visceral desire for permanence - but I've had many apartments, and many houses, and all of them have felt, to a greater or lesser extent, like home. I put up the pictures that I've carted with me back and forth across the country over and over again, and drape my favorite throw blanket over a bed, and all of a sudden even a temporary corporate rental isn't just "where I'm staying"...it's where I live.

When we decided to move to San Jose for Kendrick's new job, I knew so little about the area that I told people I was headed to San Francisco - as opposed to a major city that may be adjacent to San Francisco, but most certainly is not a part of it - and people on the Internet made fun of me. I'd say it was terrifying moving to a place that I knew so little about, and that was so far away from my friends and my parents, but it wasn't, not especially. Because whatever was going to happen, we were going to be together. And so at least there'd be that.

So I flew out to California with my four-year-old son to look for a house, and we both got viral gastroenteritis and ended up in the hospital, and so we did not find a house on that trip. I did eventually find a house, though, thanks to a broker who was willing to take me on countless virtual FaceTime tours of available properties while I sat on my couch in New York. We bought the house we live in now having never actually stepped foot inside it. I thought it was fine, but probably not *perfect,* but I also thought it didn't really matter, because it's not like we couldn't move if we wanted to one day.

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What To Do: When You’re Newly Separated and Your Husband Has the Kids

via

Remember the other week, when Kendrick had the kids and I was all I have no idea what to doooooo? Well, he had the kids again this weekend, and I went ahead and figured that one out.

So, because these are the big questions in life, here is what to do if you have found yourself newly separated, and do not have your kids for a bit. (I put in step-by-step format, because I consider everything here to be essential.)

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The Reader, Part Two

The strangest thing happened over the weekend. I dropped off the kids with their dad for a bit, and headed back home, intending to check a bunch of things off my to-do list (fold laundry, start dinner, vacuum, whatever), and then I thought...f it. None of these are things that can't wait. I'm going to do what I want to do for a minute. I'm going to do something that makes me happy.

And then I realized that I had absolutely no idea what that might be.

I'm serious. I had virtually no idea what I might want to do - just me, with no one else's wants to think about. Did I want to...read? Nap? Watch a movie? I sifted through all the things that sounded like, you know, things people do when they're relaxing, but nothing sounded even vaguely appealing. You know what I really wanted to do? Fold laundry. Start dinner. Tick boxes off lists.

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The Anger In Me

current mood via.

In couples' counseling a couple of weeks ago, I started yelling. I went into the session determined - promising myself - that I wouldn't go there, that I'd follow the rules (use "I feel" language, try not to stick to my "personal narrative," et cetera auuuuuuugh), and that I'd be calm and clear and loving. That I'd talk less, and listen more

And then, all of a sudden, I was in that place again: the angry place that I didn't know existed in me, but that I sure as hell know about now.