A Mother’s Day Gift Guide That Has Nothing To Do With Being A Mother

Throw in a bag of bulbs, some soil, and a Corona, and that’s a recipe for a nice afternoon, right there.

With a weight sensor, a phone charger, and Bluetooth geolocation services, this luggage might make traveling hassle-free (presumably not for me, though, because my traveling experiences serve as God’s personal comedy show).

The luggage comes in both carry-on and checked luggage size, but if you’re wondering which to get, the answer is “both.” (Ooooo the matched sets. Ooo.)

This cookie jar – from the new Opal House for Target collection, which is, as an aside, PHENOMENAL – just makes me happy. It’s a donkey! That’s a cookie jar!

(If it were filled with cookies that my children were not allowed to take away from me, that would make me even happier.)

In the category of Things I Literally Never In My Life Imagined Wanting…

These.

So useful! So strangely adorable! So…mom-like. Whatever, I love them.

A beautiful watch is a big purchase, obviously, but Shinola watches – which I discovered during my last trip to New York – are actually reasonably well-priced for a fancy timepiece. And the backstory is pretty cool: the Detroit-based company used to make shoe polishes, but in 2013 expanded into watches, leather goods, stationary, and bicycles, with the goal of bringing niche manufacturing – and the jobs that come with it – to an economically depressed area.

I’ve never seen anything quite like this oversized gold hoop decorated with greenery and blossoms – and the fact that it’s constructed using (very realistic) faux flowers makes it, to my mind, a way better pick than a bunch of tulips that’ll die in two days.

(The company also makes floral letters and pom-pom letters – all super cute.)

I think I’ve put a Roomba on several gift guides at this point. That’s OK: I continue to need to experience the joy of having my house vacuumed for me (and now that I have cats, I feel like a Roomba could be an truly unparalleled source of entertainment, as well.)

A massage is a pretty obvious gift pick, but let me take a moment to explain to you why a Burke Williams massage is superior:

Because the purchase of said massage entitles the guest to spend as long as they want in Burke Williams. And in Burke Williams there are jacuzzis, and saunas, and showers without children banging on the doors, and…

yes…

A QUIET ROOM.

Get her a Burke Williams massage, and give her a minimum of 10 hours to enjoy it. Done.

P.S. Burke Williams, alas, is only in California, but a little scouting in your area should help you find a spa with all-day complimentary access.

Handmade in New York City (and delivered with personal handwritten notes, aw!), these stacking rings come in tons of colors and finishes, so you can choose one (or, if you’re feeling splurge-y, get a whole bunch).

I have no umbrellas. This is because my children love umbrellas for reasons unbeknownst to me, and carry them, and then lose them.

An umbrella received as a Mother’s Day present is an umbrella that children are not allowed to touch. Ever. (It’s a real rule; just tell them this blog you read said so.)

It’s three times the price of Kindle’s Paperweight model, but for the extra money you get a fancy, crazy lightweight design, extended battery life, adjustable lighting to prevent insomnia, Audible pairing, and WATERPROOFNESS.

Since I once threw my iPhone directly into the center of my pool (in my defense, that bee was 100% trying to kill me, and my phone was the only weapon available at the time), I feel like this e-reader may have been made just for me.

A pretty bedside carafe and glasses set is one of those things that nobody would ever buy themselves…but is so lovely to have. Ergo, it is a perfect Mother’s Day present.

(Suggestion: give it to her as part of breakfast in bed, filled with fresh juice or Bellinis, depending on the kinda mom we’re talking about.)

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

The closest thing to “an additional source of responsibility” that you should be purchasing for a mother is a candle that she must decide whether or not to light.

Here is a kitten candle. This you may buy for her.