10 Cheap Things You Can Buy And Not Feel Guilty About

Anyone else freaking the fuck out about money? Oh hi there! Thanks for coming!

So look: Shopping isn’t happening right now. Which is actually probably great in some ways, because the present moment is teaching us just how little we actually *need*. I, for example, have recently taken stock of my not-inconsiderable shoe wardrobe, and discovered that I wear exactly three of the pairs I own. Two of those are pairs of Birkenstocks, and of those two pairs of Birkenstocks, one is a pair of Birkenstocks that my dog is hell-bent on eating, with astonishingly successful results. Never, ever again in my life – and this is a promise that I feel very comfortable making – will I wear four-inch leopard-print stilettos. That ship has sailed, my friends.

Pour one out for the leopard-print stilettos.

But it’s my birthday in a couple of days – whee, I know – and so I decided that it’d be ok to buy myself a little something. I thought about it. I pondered. I percolated. I considered a rainbow enamel ring or two, or maybe that Byredo hair perfume that beauty editors are always getting weird about.

Do you know what I bought myself, in the end?

A cordless handheld vacuum (on sale), two pairs of slouchy socks, and a fire extinguishing aerosol spray. And I cannot fucking WAIT for them to arrive.

If you want to get on this World’s Boringest Shopper train with me, here are a few more small treats that I can enthusiastically, unequivocally, capital-R Recommend.




This Perfect Sweatshirt

Hanes EcoSmart Sweatshirt is SEVEN NINETY-NINE, y’all. It comes in a ton of different colors. Some colors have matching sweatpants (recommended). It is made using recycled plastic bottles. It can be delivered via Prime.

You can own this. And you should.

P.S. It’s technically a men’s sweatshirt, so size down.


Clairol's Nice 'N' Easy Balayage Highlighting Kit

I have highlighted my own hair twice over the past eight weeks, and I have to say: Not. Too. Shabby.

Now, to be clear: It’s not great. My stylist friend definitely took one look at it and left a bottle of toner on my front stoop. But it’s fine, and it makes me feel brighter and fresher to have even mediocre highlights, and there you go.


Samantha Irby's Books

Samantha Irby’s work was recommended to me by Erin, and holy crap, I will be taking all of Erin’s reading recommendations henceforth, because I was ordering my second of her books when I was about ten pages into the first.

These essay collections are straight-up perfection: Hilarious (like, snort-laughing hilarious), thoughtful, heartbreaking. All the things. Read them.


My Books!

If you’ve never read any of my and Erin’s activity books, now would be a good time to start. Because time. We all have it. What even is it?



Vacuum-Seal Storage Bags

Something that happens to me when I spend 13,034,529 days in the same 1,000 or so square feet of Earth is that I start hating everything I see, and start wanting to put it away, where it doesn’t have to be dusted (again). These storage bags shrink out-of-season clothes/bedding/whatever down to a fraction of the size, which means it can all go in a single closet and GTFO of my (and your) life.


These Super-Lightweight Sneakers

Regardless of whether you’re spending your days getting all quarantine-fit (go away) or bopping around the house eating your children’s leftover macaroni and cheese (same), you will love these. They weigh nothing, and feel like Spanx for your feet (I mean that in a good way). And they’re on sale right now.



Literally always a good time.

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