Remember my 10 years of insomnia? That was followed by several years of raising extremely young children, during which I learned the skill of passing out on the floor in the center of a crowded room, if need be. The pandemic threw that routine off juuuust a touch (thanks, anxiety!), but I would like to emerge from quarantine looking non-zombie-ish, so I decided to apply myself to the task of creating the actual most perfect sleep situation of all time.
I will now share that sleep situation with you (you’re welcome).
I wasn’t planning on buying a new bed, because new beds are expensive. Except Archie ate my bed. And when I went onto the Casper site (on your recommendations; this isn’t an ad) to look at mattresses, all of a sudden there it was: The Old Person Bed Of My Dreams. It is essentially a glorified hospital bed, but that’s okay, because let me tell you: It brings more joy to my life than most humans.
The feet raise. The head raises. The underside lights up, so I can find my kitten when she is hiding from the dog (which is all the time).
But none of those are the best part. Oh, no.
The best part is that it vibrates. And this is putting it mildly, because there are separate vibration options for the left side and the right side, and for both the head and the feet. There are also different modes (rolling! patting! massaging!), so you can customize the exact perfect motion for you. Mine, if you’re wondering, is literally the highest possible vibrational speed on both head and feet. I basically sleep on top of an overactive washing machine, and I love it. (And before you yell at me for spending that much money on a bed: They offer interest free multi-year loans, so you can pay just a couple hundred dollars a month rather than shelling out the entire sum at once.)
Don’t you feel calmer already?
Next up: The Calm app’s “sleep stories.”
Have you ever wanted to fall asleep to the sound of Harry Styles gently whispering “tonight…I’m going to tell a story…just for you” into your ear? Then welcome to heaven, my friends. (I also like Matthew McConaughey’s sleep story, but am currently branching out to less embarrassing selections; there are lots and lots.) It sounds absolutely ridiculous, and it is, but for whatever reason these sleep stories work: They average 20-30 minutes long each, and I have literally never gotten to even the middle of a single one before passing out. (Also a big fan of the app’s customizable soundscapes, where you can mix and match various white noise elements to create your perfect blend – mine is mostly rain on leaves, with a smattering of plane noise and a dash of air conditioner.)
And finally, this.
I have tried many sleep masks over the years. Oh, so many. I don’t usually love them; they feel kind of constricting and stiff. This one, however, is like a big, cozy blanket that just happens to be swaddling the top of your head. It’s made of the softest jersey, has just the right amount of padding, and is inexpensive but well-made enough to withstand frequent washing.
There you have it: My highly detailed, wildly specific sleep situation.
Go forth, darlings, and rest.