DIARY

An Update, But Not Really

Before I launch back into writing about our (first) bathroom makeover (which is FINALLY finished, and oh my god that took forever) and the best ballet flats out there and, I don’t know, chicken, or whatever…I figured I should probably address the elephant in the room.

I don’t know if we’re going to stay in this house. Or even in this city.

I don’t know anything.

On Saturday, the therapist we’re working with asked me what I’d see as the ideal situation three months from now, and, you will be shocked to learn, I burst into tears. (Or I guess “bursting into tears” isn’t quite accurate; there’s sort of a constant stream these days, so it was really more of a “turning up the faucet a little higher” situation.) I DON’T KNOW, I said.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

I have two children. I love them so much, and I just want to keep them safe; make them happy. I love my neighborhood. I love my friends. I just spent three years working on making this house beautiful in my odd, imperfect way. There are other places I could love, other houses and other cities and even – I suppose – more friends out there, somewhere.

Anywhere I lay my head, et cetera.

Summer just started, and all I want to do is swim, and swim, and swim.

But apart from that, I don’t know anything.

So…right. That’s the update.

  • Ronja

    Nothing is permanent… well until the day you die because I’m an Engineer and literal like that… but you can always change whatever is going on with time (until the day you die 🙂 ).

  • Cate

    Jordan, I am sure it’s cold comfort, but I am cheering for you and know that despite how terrible things are right now (not feel – are), you will absolutely triumph. It will work out, it will work out, it will work out. Promise.

  • Jenn

    I feel like there are these moments in every life where you find yourself in a free fall, despite every plan you ever made and every worst case scenario you ever prepared for and every single thing you did to prevent a free fall from happening to you. If you’re a control freak like me, it’s a living nightmare. You can fight it every step of the way. You can try and grab onto anything and anyone that might break your fall, and sometimes you can stop it. I know I’ve done those things. But recently I’ve started to think maybe just letting it happen is the whole point. Not fighting it, not trying desperately to stop it, but just accepting that it’s happening and trusting that – somehow – you will land safely. You’ve managed to land safely before. I truly struggle with this, and I know it feels impossible, but for me at least, I think that’s the secret.

    Anyway, I am pulling for you and rooting for you and sending you love. You will get through this. It seems impossible now, but one day soon it will be a little bit easier.

    • jordanreid

      ah, jenn – thank you.

  • Milene Kennedy Crispin

    There is no question this would be hard for anyone, anywhere…but I have lived where you live, and couples have to stretch financially to make it work. It’s almost impossible to have environmental continuity when you separate as a couple because of the financial constraints….which makes it so hard because you are relying on your community/friends for support, and can’t figure out how to stay around. I empathize with this extra piece of complexity and hope you can find a way to press on and make it work.

    • jordanreid

      yes. this. yes.

  • EM

    The sheer logistics involved in a separation overwhelm me to even thing about. Where is he staying now? An extended stay hotel? An apartment rental? Do the kids go there to see him? Does he come to the house to see the kids and if so, do you leave while he’s there and come back when he leaves? Is there an “end date” on the separation at which point you make a decision to permanently stay together or not? If you move out of the city with the kids, would he move to that same city and find another job? Obviously this is personal stuff and not really expecting you to answer, but I’m curious how this exactly . . . works? My head hurts just thinking about it! It all around sucks and I feel for you!

    • Sarah

      Yes. How does this all work? So complex.

      • m

        I wonder this myself as well. In our case, my husband stayed in our house, but we slept separately until we figured it out and decided to stay in the marriage. I cannot begin to imagine the complexity if he was to live somewhere else.
        All the love to you, Jordan.

    • jordanreid

      Yeah, it’s complicated to say the least – especially when you live in the most expensive housing market in the country. I don’t want to share details until we’ve worked things out and figured out what direction we’re headed in, but I think it’s really helpful to have a mediator there (in our case, a phenomenal therapist) to help sift through logistics when emotions are running so high.

  • FWIW, we moved last year and had contractors in our house 40 hours a week from August to April. The contractors were phenomenal, my kids loved them and still ask when they’re coming over again. However… it. Is. Stressful. I cannot think of a time in life where I’ve felt more constantly on. You need to make decisions and fiscal arrangements and the constant need to monitor yourself because your house is full of people that are not your immediate family. The lead guy is a custom home builder, has been his entire career as his father was. He’s also been a minister, is a father of 3 and adopted 4 kids from an unfit family member. His wife is a marathon runner and homeschools the kids. They had a period of time where they moved between 20 different rentals and short term homes over 12 years. 2 years ago he built his dream home for him and his wife and he said it was BY FAR the most stressful thing him and his wife ever did together. Like the only time they ever actually thought of divorce hard. I’m not trying to minimize greater issues…just saying, Don’t discount the stress of remodeling/long term construction projects.