All I Do Is Win, Win, Win, Win, Win

At some point, I think it is crucial that we recognize the limits of our parenting, embrace them, and act accordingly.

One way to do this: by opening the refrigerator, observing the vast quantity of potential dinner ingredients therein…and then shutting the door, turning on the oven, and making pizza (and calling the tomato sauce on top of it a vegetable because CLEARLY it is, and also everybody loves pizza and so nobody fights about what’s for dinner and for a single glorious moment, life is calm).

(Also please go ahead and serve that pizza on paper plates because kids do not appreciate pretty dishes and also do not wash them unless they are of sink-reaching height and more amenable to the concept of chores than oh, say, my children.)

Make sure to scroll down to the bottom for info on a SUPER fun giveaway that includes a leather jacket (!) and aviator sunglasses and patches celebrating your awesomeness

The pizza brand Red Baron has decided to celebrate the fact that totally spectacular mom wins come in all shapes and sizes, including the following:

  • Knowing when nothing will help except screen time
  • Learning the exact right moment to pull the “ask your father” card
  • Swooping in from behind with a napkin to deal with a tiny, chocolate-y face
  • Holding your hair up with a chip-clip (no shame)

Et cetera.

Red Baron pizza introduces the baroness

Nothing cuter than pizza dribble.

All of these glorious accomplishments are ones that I personally revel in on the regular, so when Red Baron asked me to throw a mini pizza party for a couple of my girlfriends, I was IN. I mean, why in the world would I decline to embrace an evening filled with three things I love oh, so very much? Specifically:

  1. Pizza that is delicious and that I do not have to make myself, by hand;
  2. Wine (all);
  3. Patches.


Red Baron pizza introduces the baroness

The patch that I decided should be mine: The “Because” patch.


Because I said so.



Nothing better than shutting it down with zero logic or explanation necessary. As a bonus, the “Because” rationale also introduces the suggestion that you are not, in fact, a mere mortal, but actually an all-powerful goddess-creature capable of shaping the universe with your voice.

If you’re curious what patches my girls won: Alisa gets the “Nailed It” patch because she preeeeetty much always does (yes, it is annoying, but credit where it’s due, etc), and Erin gets two patches: “No” and “OK.”


Red Baron pizza introduces the baroness

We all have our talents. And talents – especially when they get us through another day reasonably clean, decently caffeinated, and at least semi-functional – should be celebrated.

And now? Here is a giveaway to celebrate YOU.

Red Baron is giving one of you guys a custom Baroness #WingMama Kit, which will include the following: 

A customized leather jacket featuring your favorite patches (!)

1 Baroness Red lipstick

1 red Baroness scarf

1 pair of Baroness aviator sunglasses

2 Red Baron Pizza coupons

To enter, just share a parenting war story of your own in the comments below. 

Contest open to U.S. and Canada residents only, and closes on 12/8/17 at 5PM PST. Winner will be notified via email. (Make sure to use your real email so I can get in touch with you if you win – it won’t be used for any other purpose.) 

P.S. The video below is legit hilarious. Give it a watch if you need a little inspiration for your contest entry.

This post was created in collaboration with Red Baron.

Red Baron pizza introduces the baroness Red Baron pizza introduces the baroness Red Baron pizza introduces the baroness

  • Jackie

    My parenting war stories are amplified because I have twins, so you have to imagine two toddlers at once in all the shenanigans. The worst was probably when I got a rare Sunday morning sleep-in and woke up to a hot water heater that had broken and flooded the basement AND two toddlers who had found the tub of Vaseline on the changing table and proceeded to rub it deep into each other’s hair. It took many baths and clarifying shampoos to even get the hair untangled enough to cut! My girls had the pixiest of pixie cuts for sure. Now that they are 15, I treasure those pictures and still laugh at the memory.

  • Hannah Tevolini

    The good news is that I don’t have many war stories to share yet as my son is 7 months and cannot walk or talk. That being said, my husband literally ate a bowl of jello for dinner last night because he was too tired (read: lazy) to make actual dinner. So we could really use those coupons…

    • jordanreid


  • Jeannine

    I am so the Ask Your Dad mom.

  • Rachel

    My daughter has totally done that vaseline thing too!!!! But with sunscreen. Literally the worst.

  • CJ Med

    I have three boys and have had all the mom fails that you can possibly imagine. My favorite go-to is always “ask your father” too – why be the bad cop all the time?

  • genevieve

    Totally put my son in the center of the bed thinking he didn’t know how to roll yet…and not only did he know how to roll, he knew how to roll alllllll the way to the edge. And off. I only realized he’d fallen when I heard the thump from the other room (he was fine, but I definitely learned my lesson!).

    • Sarah

      You are a better mom than me. I didn’t learn my lesson and mine must have rolled off AT LEAST 3 or 4 times. Thud. He’s 6 now and super smart so I guess I got off easy.

  • Ashley E

    My 4.5 year old son swallowed a quarter. I know, super common, but the quarter did not pass, so they had to probe for it. Needless to say, he better start crapping Benjamins to pay for this costly accident 🤣

    • jordanreid


  • Kimberly

    My war story can be summarized in very few words (which is all I can string together because I’m so very tired these days). 18. Month. Sleep. Regression. Going on for two months now …

  • Heather K

    Yesterday I took my toddler to the bathroom in a restaurant and she used a grownup toilet — this is a big deal in her ‘potty learning journey’ as daycare calls it. I had to go too, so I did not flush for her, and went and flushed for both of us. So today at daycare drop off she shouts to her teachers “Mommy peed on top of my pee!!!” …sigh.

    • jordanreid

      omg hahahahahaha

  • Sarah

    The morning we were leaving for Maui, I was woken by the sound of splashing and a 6 year old next to my bed telling me he had just thrown up (the splash was the puke hitting the wood floors…..and walls). He barfed all morning and I did ALL the laundry only to discover my last load before we had to leave had flooded my very finished basement. So off to Maui we went with a puking kid and a flooded basement. He made it puke free on the plane and the bug didn’t hit the rest of us until we got there. Thank goodness for garbage cans on Front St in Lahaina for my 9 year old to barf in and thank heavens that it wasn’t me throwing up on Front St. Mine held off for the condo.