One Day’s Worth Of Googles

Who knew Kendrick was such a mystery man? 

The other day, in LA, I was driving around with Francesca and her cousin Valentina, and Francesca said “Google ‘flexible old lady,’ will you?” So I did – no questions asked – and this wonderful, wonderful image came up. The point of the Google was that Francesca had seen the image somewhere before and wanted me to see it because she said it was her vision of me as an old lady. But out of context, that’s a hell of a random search.

But the thing is, the very identity of Google searches is based on the fact that they’re decontextualized. So they’re kind of always funny. Or at least bizarre.

Here, in reverse chronological order, are my Googles from September 13, 2017:

  1. “cheap disneyland tickets.” Spoiler: this search didn’t prove especially useful, because there is no such thing as a cheap Disneyland ticket. (They have the market cornered.) But I can console myself with the fact that WE’RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND! Next week, to celebrate Kendrick’s birthday. And because I’ve drunk the Disneyland Kool-Aid, I’m vibrating with excitement right along with my kids. (Should we actually spend one of our two days at California Adventure, if we don’t have a park hopper pass?? Is it worth it with little kids??)
  2. “big fat activity book pregnant people.” We’re in our second printing and almost at 50 reviews (!!!!), and 50 is allegedly some magical number that makes the Amazon algorithm like you more – so I’ve been obsessively checking the book’s Amazon page to see if and when we hit it. Why am I Googling the book rather than going to Amazon and searching for it that way? …I don’t know.
  3. “mom opioid addiction.” Calm down, Kevin: I was just searching for this article on a friend’s recommendation. (It’s really good.)
  4. “where to buy industrial windows.” I have this idea that I’m going to incorporate one of those amazing, spare-looking factory-style steel windows into our garage renovation, set into the wall between Kendrick’s office and the living area, but have unfortunately discovered that amazing, spare-looking factory-style steel windows are in obscenely high demand, and cost hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars. Mrrrrgh.
  5. “feminist gift ideas for kids.” My friend Elise’s two daughters have a birthday coming up, and this search helped me figure out what to get them: a coloring book titled More Than A Princess and an anthology for kids called Rad American Women A-Z: Rebels, Trailblazers and Visionaries Who Shaped Our History…And Our Future. Cool. Thanks, Google!
  6. “dkny fringe jacket.” I was looking for a jacket similar to the one I have to recommend for yesterday’s fall fashion post…and it turns out that the one I own is still available for purchase (and hugely on sale).
  7. “aqua gunite.” This is the name of the pool company that’s giving me a quote for our pool renovation. Remember when I said that Google searches were virtually always funny or bizarre, taken out of context? It turns out that is not so if you are in the midst of home renovation; in that case, your Google searches have the capacity to be super lame.
  8. “baja bench pool.” Related to the search above; a “Baja Bench” is apparently the latest thing in…pools. (I hadn’t been aware there were pool trends, but there you go.) It’s basically a beach-style entry, where the ground gradually slopes down from the shallow end, creating a sort of splashing area that’s more kid-friendly (and that adults can plunk their deck chairs in on hot days). It’s also expensive, like everything else I apparently searched for on Google yesterday.
  9. “fall cozy Tumblr.” Mini blogger tip: If you’re ever searching for a great image to use in a post, add the word “Tumblr” to whatever other search terms you’re using. The Tumblr community is very visual, and that’ll get you the best pics (remember to credit the source please!).
  10. “facer.” I do not know what a “facer” is, or why I might have searched for one. But Google doesn’t lie, so.

If you’re so inclined, I would love to hear what your most recent search was. (No cheating to make yourself look cool! If you searched for “does joey lawrence have a sex tape,” that is a thing I most definitely want to know.)

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