Not To Be Paranoid…But DON’T LOOK AT THE SUN, Y’ALL

I am not the target audience for a solar eclipse. I mean, I imagine they’re cool and all, and hooray for once-in-a-lifetime experiences, but in no version of reality am I loading up a camper and hoofing it over to Oregon so I can battle people who are far better suited for post-apocalyptic survival than I am for gas and water. I mean, I’m pretty sure Bachelor In Paradise is going to be amazing tomorrow night. Priorities.

But here’s the thing that’s been freaking me out the past couple of days: I am not a fundamentally ignorant human with zero knowledge of astronomical events and their potential repercussions….and yet I can totally imagine myself forgetting about this whole “solar eclipse” thing – because while it’s technically a big deal, I guess, it’s not an especially big deal to me, for whatever reason – and meandering down the street around 10AM tomorrow morning, then noticing that it’s getting dark and cloudy and going “Hm, that’s odd!”…and then looking up to see what’s going on, and whoopsie: now I’m blind.

This sounds un-fun, to say the least.

Because I obviously have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to these kinds of things, I asked Kendrick to give me a synopsis of why, exactly, this solar eclipse is a big deal, and he told me a cool story. Apparently ancient people used to think that an eclipse was a giant monster eating the sun, and would gather up the town residents to make a stand against the evil being. In an effort to scare it away they would bang pots and pans, yell and scream, and generally have a good old time. And guess what? It totally worked! Each and every time the monster came, it eventually went away. (Which is great, because the alternative would have been global winter and the total annihilation of life as we know it.)

So. If you want to celebrate the eclipse old-school-style, get yourself a little mead, make a bonfire, and bang pots and pans when you see the moon dragon starting to creep up on the sun god. But please also remember that we live in the 21st century and thus get to know stuff like “how not to go blind,” so if you failed to purchase eclipse-viewing glasses (I did, too), please watch the below video so you can make yourself a DIY Don’t Burn Your Eyes machine.

Like that. (You really just need a shoebox and some aluminum foil. You can do this.)

Or you can use a colander. Orrrrrr – just throwing it out there – you can get really fancy and advanced and totally avoid the possibility of eyeball-searing by viewing the eclipse via that miracle of the modern age: the Internet. NASA is streaming on YouTube and Facebook Live, and they’re the experts, so I suggest you hang out with them.

In summary: Happy Eclipse Day. Party like the world is ending – because god knows, it might be. But in case it’s not, do yourself a favor and check out all the cool pics online instead of unleashing fire and fury on your retinas.


  • Allison

    I’m with you, Jordan. I failed to get glasses and I feel badly that I don’t care more about the eclipse but I’ll be just as happy seeing photos (can you take photos of that?) and not being blind (I’m already blind enough TBH).

    • Allison

      OH, BTW: I read online that you should keep your pets inside during the eclipse so they won’t look at the sun. Just FYI for your pups 🙂

      • jordanreid

        my dogs are totally losing their minds. but they’re inside 😉

    • jordanreid

      I’m totally eating my words over here – this is SO MUCH COOLER than I’d pictured. it dropped like fifteen degrees in seconds, and all the birds went quiet. insane.