Style

I Blame You

I am 35 years old – 36 in two weeks – and I am writing a post about Kendall Jenner.

You know why?

Because I blame her.

First I blamed her for making me want to own a six-hundred-dollar sweatshirt despite the fact that this is patently ridiculous. And now I am blaming her for the fact that I want to own track pants. Because I saw a picture of her wearing track pants on the Internet last night, and she looked so adorable in her track pants that I clicked through the post to find out where could buy track pants to look adorable in, and now I’m embarrassed with myself. (I still want track pants, though.)

Serious question: When I salivate over Kendall Jenner’s clothing, am I mindlessly bending to the fickle whims of an advertising industry hell-bent on milking me for every last one of my hard-earned dollars? Or does Kendall Jenner actually just look so irritatingly attractive in everything she puts on that she makes people want to own it, whatever “it” is?

Why am I even talking about Kendall Jenner?

Why am I feeding the machine???

WHY.

Let’s take a look at things Kendall Jenner has made me want to own, so we can give these questions the attention they deserve, but mostly so we can just look at them.

Here Are 10 Things Kendall Jenner Makes Me Think Might Be A Good Idea (Even Though I SERIOUSLY Know Better)

P.S. The “Shop” buttons will take you to versions that make a lot more sense.

1/10

That Damn Sweatshirt

Sorry, I was wrong when I posted about this sweatshirt the first time.

Kendall’s sweatshirt is actually close to nine hundred dollars. Not six. Nine.

It is from Vetements, which is a super cute brand.

You do not need to buy this sweatshirt from Vetements.

2/10

A Bra That Is Not Doing Its Job

This bra is not in the place where it needs to be in order to fulfill its purpose in life.

I do not think that wearing this is a good idea.

I definitely do not want to wear this.

I am simply awestruck at the fact that she pulled this off and made me think even for one half of one eighteenth of one second that this might be awesome.

3/10

A Jean Skirt

I was happy to leave denim skirts (which I will forever think should be called “jean skirts”) back where they belong, in 1995. I still think that maybe we of the over-25 crowd should skip the short versions…but a high-waisted midi jean skirt? Okayyyy fiiiiiiine.

(Kendall’s jean skirt is from re/done, which is a brand I really like, but this is one piece you should DIY – buy a cheap version and distress it yourself, or get all crafty with a pair of high-waisted jeans.)

4/10

Visible Pantyhose

Yes, the word “pantyhose” makes me cringe too. But you know what makes me cringe more? The idea of someone seeing three inches of my pantyhose hanging out above my belt.

GIRL.

THIS IS BAD.

And yet.

…And yet.

5/10

These Horrifying Pants

Kendrick often makes fun of my clothing choices by asking me why I would deliberately purchase an item that makes me appear to be shaped like an actual potato.

Or maybe he’s just asking me because he’s curious.

Regardless, I think we can all agree that these jeans are bad. They are thick. And blousy. And bunchy in the exact spot most people do not want to be bunchy in.

…So why am I picturing myself swanning off to kindergarten drop-off in them?

WHY.

6/10

A Metallic Marshmallow

I used to hate puffer jackets, until I became a grown-up (nominally, at least) and realized that being cold is both miserable and completely unnecessary if you happen to own a puffer jacket.

I am so pleased to have been alerted via Jenner that I can now be both stylish and warm (except for if I want to be really super duper stylish, in which case I need to wear the jacket hanging off my person in a way that confers no warming benefits whatsoever).

Hooray.

7/10

A Snow Queen Sweater With Pom-Poms

This is an oversize white sweater with pom-poms on it, and it is being worn out to a club. If ever in my life I go to a club again – which, as an aside, I will not – I would like do so while wearing an oversized white sweater with pom-poms on it.

The End.

8/10

Air Jordans

I take this one as a personal affront. Because I have spent ten years being annoyed with my husband’s Air Jordan fixation. And now I need him to buy me a pair for Mother’s Day (in red and black please), and he is never going to let me hear the end of this.

(I don’t even want to talk about the fact that I want that sweater, too. STOP IT WITH THE BLACK SWEATERS I CAN’T AFFORD, KENDALL.)

9/10

1/4 Of A Shirt

This shirt does not fulfill the most basic Shirt Goal In Life (which, as I understand it, is to cover someone’s boobs).

I hate the pants.

I hate the bustier-thing.

But now I want 1/4 of a shirt, too.

10/10

Those Damn Track Pants

See? Now you want track pants, too. You may even want to wear them with heels and a coat made from the skins of rogue Care Bears.

Damn you, Kendall.

Damn you.

 

  • Get the track pants! They’d look great on you.

  • Val

    The fucking jeans in the “complete the look” section under the sweatshirt…they are close to fifteen hundred dollars. I mean, get out of here. That nearly makes my $300 jeans (which I know damn well is an extravagance) look reasonable.

    I really love those ASOS track pants tho. Get em.

  • Sarah Arnold

    https://www.freepeople.com/shop/two-for-one-special-tee/

    Ok, internet shopping at work and came across this which reminded me of this post. It’s Free People so that makes it ok, for you.

    • jordanreid

      oh man. I think that’s a hard no for me regardless of the price.