The word on the street is that the best part of visiting your parents’ house is the refrigerator. It tends to be stocked with fruits and vegetables and fancy cheeses that parents of adults can afford because they no longer have to afford children, plus all sorts of wonderful leftovers from meals that you did not have to make yourself.
Except if you have my parents, in which case the refrigerator contains a tub of margarine, two drawers full of different types of birdseed that will hopefully bring more joy into the life of an extremely anxious parrot, and a half-full jar of capers. It’s very appetizing. (It’s also my fault, because a few months ago I introduced my parents to Blue Apron, and now they don’t cook anything else. Whenever they aren’t making Blue Apron, they’re having dinner at the restaurant next door. Or, I don’t know, maybe they’re eating bird food. I can’t be certain.)
Rummaging in my parents’ refrigerator is no fun at all. Rummaging in my mom’s makeup drawer, however? Tons of fun. Because my mother is the kind of person who, when approached by a salesperson in the makeup department of Saks Fifth Avenue who tells her she’d look absolutely gorgeous in a Brand X’s new lipstick/face cream/eyeliner/magical anti-aging dragon dust – here, sit down and let me show you!, says “Ooh! Sure!”
So whenever I visit my parents I find myself lurking in the bathroom come bedtime, sifting through whatever new potions my mother has acquired since my last visit. I stand in front of the mirror dotting on creams and gels and oils, while she stands behind me earnestly enumerating the benefits of each product (and the exact application instructions) while also relaying – in impressive detail – the epic saga titled “The Makeup Counter Lady Who Knew The Exact Color Peta Murgatroyd Wore On Dancing With The Stars Last Season“ (subtitle “You Should Go See Her Sometime Honey; She Could Really Make You Look More Rested. Her Name Is Carol, Tell Her I Sent You”).
What can I say. It’s how we bond.
In case I haven’t made this clear: My mother is the owner of enough random products to open up her own eBay shop specializing in jars that have already been opened. But this also means she tries a lot of random products, and her constant experimentation (plus the fact that she has zero long-term brand loyalty) means that she actually does know what she’s talking about when it comes to this stuff.
Below, in no particular order, are the skincare and makeup products that I found in my mother’s cabinet and tried on over the weekend…as described in Mom’s own words, because if anyone can expound upon the distinctive virtues of an Arabian Blue eyeliner, it is my mother (I am serious, and I say this with complete and utter respect).
Take it away, mama.
