DIARY

True Romance

Empty bed = the dream.

We’ve finally managed to get our children out of our bed at night (at least for the first few hours), but what that means is that we now have to “snuggle” until each of them falls asleep. And Kendrick is fun, so they don’t fall asleep with him, which means that after he’s done being the cool parent I have to be the “GO TO SLEEP” parent, and which also means that I spend about an hour and a half every night of my life snuggling trying desperately not to fall asleep in toddler beds (because toddler beds are extremely bad for grownup necks, and also because I am seriously behind on American’s Next Top Model).

I don’t always make it; there is many a night that I wake from a dead sleep and realize that I’m crunched up in 1/8th of a 3-foot-long bed with a baby foot planted firmly in my eye socket (which was sealed shut with makeup anyway because I hadn’t been planning to actually pass out). And the reason why this happens with such frequency?

Because children are psychic.

If you pretend to fall asleep next to them so that you can lure them into sleeping, too, they know. And they will put an end to the charade by looping one (inexplicably strong) arm around your neck and shouting – directly into your eardrum – “MAMA YOU STAY HERE.”

If you wait for them to fall asleep and then try to slowly, slowly, slooooooooowly roll off the mattress and towards the door? They immediately sense a disturbance in The Snuggle and spring up in bed as if via electroshock. “MAMA, WATER!” So you bring water (no not that water, THE WATER IN THE PURPLE CUUUUUP), and then you lay down next to them, balancing yourself on the very outermost edge of the bed in between seventeen Barbies and the enormous stuffed dog that Nana sent for Christmas even though you said no presents over twelve inches long, and then it’s 4AM and you didn’t set the house alarm and FUUUUCK THE DOGS PEED ON THE CARPET.

In short: Children know when you are dreaming of joys that do not involve them. And then they shatter those dreams, simply because they can.