Presenting: my grocery list for yesterday’s trip to Whole Foods.
What. Is going. On.
I mean, kale? Almond milk? HEMP SEEDS? Who is this person, and what has she done with the cheese-puff-loving me I have come to know and tolerate? (Nothing, actually; I just eat organic Trader Joe’s cheese puffs now. And I eat them for breakfast, so there.)
Seriously y’all, I am the kind of person who makes fun of people who drink spinach, because you know what else you could be drinking? YOO-HOO. Yoo-hoo is delicious. Certainly far more delicious than spinach.
And then Whole Foods finally broke me. I got tired of wandering aisles stuffed with things that I had no idea how to pronounce, let alone incorporate into a diet intended for a human as opposed to a bird, but eventually I could not stand the silent judgment of rack after rack of sprouted wheat germ and probiotic-infused aloe water, and I broke. “FINE, WHOLE FOODS,” I said. “I WILL BUY YOUR TEN-DOLLAR FLAX. AND TOMORROW MORNING, I WILL SPRINKLE IT OVER MY (ORGANIC) CHEESE PUFFS.”
This particular shopping trip was actually inspired by my begrudging admission that the acai bowl recipe I saw in last week’s US Weekly actually looked pretty good. I’ve heard of this “acai bowl” thing here and there – apparently it’s a fairly normal thing to eat if you are a celebrity or person who I do not know (because I’m fairly certain that I know exactly nobody who actually eats these), but I have no idea what goes into one or what it might taste like. Are we talking sweet or savory? No idea. And so I decided to do a little experiment: I’d make the recipe exactly as written, and try to be open-minded about the whole I-am-spooning-liquid-grass-into-my-mouth thing.
The experiment started with me trying to explain to three separate clerks that I wanted acai, pronounced ah-KAI. Oh, that’s not how you pronounce it? Thanks. Blablabla PROBIOTICS. What?
Anyway, I got it: four frozen 100-gram packets, to be exact. And I bought hemp seeds. And almond milk. And granola, but not any granola – no, no, hemp granola.
I am so annoyed to have to tell you that it was delicious. The spinach/kale/almond milk/avocado puree itself was eh – not terrible, but not my favorite thing I’ve ever eaten – but with the granola and seeds and blueberries and banana on top? SO GOOD. Indy and Goldie even inhaled their own bowls, so I got the little bonus of feeling like one of those parents who does not allow their children to polish off entire bags of neon-hued cheddar fish just so that she can get through the damn supermarket with NO MORE YELLING.
Fiiiiiiine. I’ll make it again. I won’t like it, but I’ll do it.
AMAZING GREEN ACAI BOWL (via US Weekly, who says this serves one but I think it’s closer to two unless you really, really enjoy green puree)
What You Need:
- 2 100-gram packs frozen acai
- 1/2 cup spinach
- 1/2 cup kale
- 1/4 avocado
- 3/4 cup almond milk
- 2 tsp hemp seeds
- 1/3 medium banana
- 1/4 cup fresh blueberries
- 1/4 cup hemp granola
What You Do:
- In a blender, blend the acai, spinach, kale, avocado and milk.
- Top puree with the seeds, banana, blueberries and granola. Enjoy with a helping dose of self-satisfaction on the side.