RECIPES

The Most Un-Me Thing I Have Ever Written

Presenting: my grocery list for yesterday’s trip to Whole Foods.

What. Is going. On.

I mean, kale? Almond milk? HEMP SEEDS? Who is this person, and what has she done with the cheese-puff-loving me I have come to know and tolerate? (Nothing, actually; I just eat organic Trader Joe’s cheese puffs now. And I eat them for breakfast, so there.)

Seriously y’all, I am the kind of person who makes fun of people who drink spinach, because you know what else you could be drinking? YOO-HOO. Yoo-hoo is delicious. Certainly far more delicious than spinach.

And then Whole Foods finally broke me. I got tired of wandering aisles stuffed with things that I had no idea how to pronounce, let alone incorporate into a diet intended for a human as opposed to a bird, but eventually I could not stand the silent judgment of rack after rack of sprouted wheat germ and probiotic-infused aloe water, and I broke. “FINE, WHOLE FOODS,” I said. “I WILL BUY YOUR TEN-DOLLAR FLAX. AND TOMORROW MORNING, I WILL SPRINKLE IT OVER MY (ORGANIC) CHEESE PUFFS.”

Ugggggh.

An US Weekly recipe for an acai bowl with avocado, spinach and kale

This particular shopping trip was actually inspired by my begrudging admission that the acai bowl recipe I saw in last week’s US Weekly actually looked pretty good. I’ve heard of this “acai bowl” thing here and there – apparently it’s a fairly normal thing to eat if you are a celebrity or person who I do not know (because I’m fairly certain that I know exactly nobody who actually eats these), but I have no idea what goes into one or what it might taste like. Are we talking sweet or savory? No idea. And so I decided to do a little experiment: I’d make the recipe exactly as written, and try to be open-minded about the whole I-am-spooning-liquid-grass-into-my-mouth thing.

The experiment started with me trying to explain to three separate clerks that I wanted acai, pronounced ah-KAI. Oh, that’s not how you pronounce it? Thanks. Blablabla PROBIOTICS. What?

Anyway, I got it: four frozen 100-gram packets, to be exact. And I bought hemp seeds. And almond milk. And granola, but not any granola – no, no, hemp granola.

I am so annoyed to have to tell you that it was delicious. The spinach/kale/almond milk/avocado puree itself was eh – not terrible, but not my favorite thing I’ve ever eaten – but with the granola and seeds and blueberries and banana on top? SO GOOD. Indy and Goldie even inhaled their own bowls, so I got the little bonus of feeling like one of those parents who does not allow their children to polish off entire bags of neon-hued cheddar fish just so that she can get through the damn supermarket with NO MORE YELLING.

Fiiiiiiine. I’ll make it again. I won’t like it, but I’ll do it.

Easy acai bowl recipe with avocado, spinach and kale

AMAZING GREEN ACAI BOWL (via US Weekly, who says this serves one but I think it’s closer to two unless you really, really enjoy green puree)

What You Need:

  • 2 100-gram packs frozen acai
  • 1/2 cup spinach
  • 1/2 cup kale
  • 1/4 avocado
  • 3/4 cup almond milk
  • 2 tsp hemp seeds
  • 1/3 medium banana
  • 1/4 cup fresh blueberries
  • 1/4 cup hemp granola

What You Do:

  1. In a blender, blend the acai, spinach, kale, avocado and milk.
  2. Top puree with the seeds, banana, blueberries and granola. Enjoy with a helping dose of self-satisfaction on the side.

Recipe for an acai bowl with spinach, avocado, hemp and kaleAcai bowl with spinach, kale, avocado and banana

  • Erin

    The only jordan-y thing about this post (because the only green beverage you should ever drink is, I don’t know, midori in 1999 via a time machine) is that you got the recipe from US Weekly. 🙂

    • jordanreid

      hahahahahahahahaha

  • Jenn

    How many calories though? I read somewhere that it is between 900-1200. Yikes!

    • jordanreid

      really?! i honestly have no idea. but with the almond milk and the avocado it can’t possibly be low-calorie.

  • Chris

    http://www.patagoniastoreonline.com

    Enjoy reading your blog. Have a nice week!

  • kb

    Where did you get that lovely notebook?