Goodbye To My Sweetest Love


You guys.

I don’t think I can drink coffee anymore.

This is so. upsetting.

Because here’s the thing: I never really drank coffee until I was pregnant with my son – and trust me, I am aware (thanks to everyone in the world and most especially the guy at Starbucks who gave me side-eye every time I ordered a latte) that pregnancy is a non-ideal time to pick up a caffeine habit, but you know what I started craving with the heat of a thousand suns the second that zygote made an appearance? Not pickles, or ice cream…COFFEE. I wanted it so badly. And sure sure, I limited myself to that doctor-approved one cup a day, but I did not want to. And so the second I was non-pregnant it was all the coffee, all the time.

I probably don’t need to be explaining myself in this much detail, because if you’re a person in the world with, you know, stuff to do, you get me.

Coffee is everything.

But a few weeks ago I was just hanging around the house with Kendrick and the kids and suddenly I got this searing pain in my chest, and I swear to god I started thinking that I was having a heart attack, it hurt so badly. I was sort of pacing around the house rubbing my chest and telling Kendrick that I thought we were going to have to go to the hospital, when all of a sudden I remembered I’d felt a similar pain many years ago, when I had an ulcer. I can best describe it as a can’t-move-can’t-stand-someone-call-me-a-taxi-because-I’m-done pain. It is seriously no fun at all.

Anyway, I quickly figured out thanks to Google (thank you Google) that I wasn’t having a heart attack, but was rather the lucky recipient of a far more pedestrian condition: heartburn (and once I realized this I definitely felt ridiculous for having been all I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK, but what can you do).

And it keeps happening. Like once a week. And when it happens it shuts me down for a good hour or two, and being shut down for a good hour or two isn’t especially practical at this particular moment in time, because with an infant there is no collapsing into bed. (Ever.)

I’ve tried Tums (which oh my goodness, make me feel so much like a grandpa). I’ve tried drinking milk. I’ve tried drinking glass after glass of water; nothing helps.

I have to stop drinking coffee, I think.


So, fine: I’ll drink hot water with lemon. Fiiiine. But I won’t like it. So if anyone has any other suggestions for what to replace my beloved morning (and afternoon) joy with, I would be so appreciative.

Also, look! Adorable coffee mugs. Just to drive the knife deeper. (Oh, I guess I can drink my sad hot water out of an adorable coffee mug. But I won’t like it.)

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